This is probably the place where I can truly say out all that is bothering me.
I'm stuck in a rut, just stuck. This wave of negative feelings, I can't really pinpoint why. This feeling of being rejected and dejected and things aren't really going your way. That feeling where you wish you are not having this situation and just want to give up on everything. Where all you see are the other people having fun and joy while you feeling left out. I guess it’s something that I'll never get over. How things happened this way and things not being this way. The unjust and lies behind reasons you cannot comprehend. This sense of guilt and jealousy is killing. I can just sit there and smile because of all that is happening and realizing that the next moment this all has nothing to do with me. I guess this used to mean too much for me. It all just fades into my mind at where my imagination is. I can only imagine for it will never become true for me. I should move on. I couldn't.
People around me, it’s hard to decide who is trustworthy, who isn't. People change too and they drift away too, along with your securities, your faith, your trust and your humanity. I’m losing it. I put too much believe into everyone. I have no one but myself to blame. All seems lost. Yes, I am lost. I am lost in the seas of my imaginations; I am lost in the sands of time. I do not know what I am going to do, where I am going or how I am supposed to look forward to everything. I cannot afford to trust people anymore; it has always been a disappointment to me. I know who to trust, I just do not dare at all. I feel broken. All that self-esteem, washed down the drain, lost forever.
My mom asked me today,
“Why do you not have a girlfriend yet?”
My answer was a simple I don't know.
I’m not good looking, I’m not fit. I do not have the personality that attracts the ladies. I’m just… Good hearted? I don’t know. I’m not a bad person, I myself know that. I had no intention for anyone to be hurt. I feel that in this world, looks over every other thing. You can be a jerk and still have a girlfriend who loves you enough to give up all the time for you as long as you look good. I guess it all comes down to instincts. It’s evolutions’ fault that I am not getting a girl. Oh well, Suck thumb die! My studies are neither here nor there. Not failing papers, not getting ‘A’s and ‘B’s. No drive for learning things. My passion for student union is fading also. I’ve lost my calling in life. I feel like I have lost everything.
It sucks to care for the ones whom I care about. I’ll always be their last resort. Last. Resort.
I guess the reason why I posted this here was because I wanted someone to know. But I don't know who to tell it to.
