letter to 10 year old self

hey guys,
so its going to be 1 am now and im blogging from my phone because my laptop died. can't charge because charging port is broken. so im not going to care about my capital letters because i cannot be bothered to push the shift button on my phone.

so i saw this thing going around on facebook about writing a letter to your 10 year old self, i found it interesting, so here is mine.

dear cyrus,
you are know as davis now but you won't like the name once u reach sec sch, so you changed your name to cyrus because u can. at the age of 10, you should already be notorious in sch as the kid who doesn't do homework. No matter, keep ignoring them! if fact you will spend all this time improving your english by watching documentaries by Sir David Attenborough. your teacher will look down on you as an irresponsible student, she is going to not give u a position in the class hydroponics project, but don't worry, she is the only fucked up teacher you will encounter. you will be spending a lot of time in the corridoors of JPS because you never did your homework, no worries when you become a loner in primary sch, the solitude makes you stronger than others emotionally, next year you will find a girl you like, she won't want your company, you are too young. PSLE was disappointing, but you would be happy to know Huayi will be a place where you get to know how awesome you will be. You will learn that leadership is not about being the best but knowing how to serve. Servant leadership, big words for a 10 year old.
In Hua Yi, you will find a girl whom will occupy your mind for the whole of 4 years and you will end this friendship with a heartbreak, get over it, cry if you have to, don't have to tell the world because people don't like it. You will still not do homework but its not important any more isn't it. DnT will be your forte and you will be able to grasp mechanical concepts with ease.
You will get into a poly of your choice and you will feel awesome about it. Soon you realise you don't have to be alone any more. You will find awesome friends and will shine like never before. You will reach the top through your tenacity but there are many disappointments with those whom you look up to. Don't listen to those whom you look up to, they are not worth your time. you will get into your first relationship which lasts for 3 days and you will only get to see her for 1 day out of that 3. You will cry but you'll get over it. I trust u would because you always get over it don't you. Remember, if you feel that something will work out, it will work out. don't worry you got this.

regards,
The 19 year old you.

Always before Exams

So here I am 2 weeks before my final papers in Ngee Ann Polytechnic, Blogging. Just did a revamp of my blog's very overdue look. I think i've had the previous blog look for a good 4 years or longer. So, what am I doing here today? Well, I always come back when I have things on my mind to rant, to nobody in particular but just want someone to know.

Today I went to celebrate my friend's birthday. Its all fun and awesome and very entertaining, although i think  this day could be used for studying considering the fact that exams are very close, but for this dear friend of mine, its all worth it. So after the little amazing race for the birthday girl, I walked over to the MRT station with her and her boyfriend. I exclaimed to myself, 'Wah sian, kena lightbulb', her boyfriend, also my good friend, asked me, 'So Cyrus, when will i become your lightbulb?'

This question kinda hit me like a train. *Boom* so, why am I still single? because I don't have the looks and I know that myself. I can only tell that I am a nice guy. It all boils down to my looks. No matter what people say, looks will always matter. Don't listen to those who say that appearance don't matter, because biologically, they are programmed to reject those with undesirable features. This is natural selection, there is no other way around it. Sucks to be me.

Then, I thought about the girls that I am close to, I realised that I'm a guy who has a lot of female friends, but all of them would always be some ways short of a relationship. Being close to girls mainly brings my singlehood to new pains of a different level. Imagine always hearing stories about how much they like another guy but that guy is an asshole of many varying degrees. I mean its fine to be an asshole normally, but being an asshole to a girl who likes you and the girl is still madly in love with that asshole is just... LOL I don't know what to comment uh. The shitstorm starts to brew when these girls come to me to complain on what and how an asshole has hurt them so badly and next week coming to tell me that she is still madly in love with the guy. Dafaq LOL! Its like I will never understand this thinking I mean seriously. From a friends' standpoint, please don't put yourselves through this kind of ordeal already. Its sickening to hear of such people who exists. From a guy's standpoint, wtf are you still doing with that guy? I will never understand.

Now I'm done with the previous topic. Time to bring on another topic. As some of you may know, I am born in China and some part of me still feels offended when Singaporeans have all these hurtful comments about Chinese immigrants who come to Singapore for work. Don't get me wrong, I am a Singaporean Citizen and I don't really like the habit these people have considering the fact that I came here when i was 2 years old. I guess it still hurts me when they scold the Chinese people in general. Speaking of Chinese imports. You want to know why Singaporean athletes are mostly from China? Think about this, if you have a kid who plays table tennis 10 hours a day and not studying, what would you do? Its Singapore's society you see, If you don't get academic results, you cannot feed yourself enough to have hobbies. So if you are not going to have people who practices these sports since young because they have to study, how are you going to get athletes that can win medals for you??? 

Well my thoughts have all been drained out. So I shall end here then.

Here is to the ones who never got a chance to perform because of being less good looking than others.
Here is to the ones who worked hard to get what you have now without being reliant of looks.

Turbulent times

I guess i really suck at interpersonal relationships. I really do.
I REALLY DON'T DESERVE FRIENDS AT ALL.

Hahaha Fuck life.

I've been feeling neglected this few days. All the effort put into a friendship might not be returned with the same amount and as time goes by friendship will be neglected and those who got over it last will feel the burn and pain of the neglect.

Other than neglect. I've been feeling inferior, Never good enough to be someone's emotional support and always ending up being over shadowed by others. Something in me has changed. I don't feel the need to care about others any more. I feel that no matter where i go i'll have no issues blending in but always unable to fit in. Always being replaced by someone else. Always fit in for a moment and then dislodged the next. It has happened too often and its kinda sickening for me. I'll never fit in. I'll never got comfortable I'll never get a place anywhere. The world is so big but there isn't a place for me to fit in. Its different if a person feels this way when angry. I'm feeling this way even when i am not angry or not having conflicts with people. I guess my mentality will forever be in my way of finding people whom i can trust on.

Worst feeling ever: Caring about someone when they feel down and your words are not reaching them or they simply don't care.

I'll never gain trust from the people i care. I'll never be their pillar of strength when they need me. They always have someone closer. I just feel that I'll never be able to feel needed by someone. I'll never be needed by anyone. I don't like this feeling. I'll always be the back-up plan. Because I'm never caring enough, I'm never understanding enough, I'm never mature enough for anyone to rely on me. There is always that guy whom i cannot best. He is so near to me that whenever i put much care on someone the person will always put more trust on that guy. Haissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Fuck.

Anyway, I've finally decided to go for someone after so long. Still have to take time to get closer. I'm only afraid that i go too close and get bro-zoned again or becoming too close and go overboard with my teasing. it always happens. I am honestly shaken by all that has happened before. But if we are afraid of failure, we really cannot move forward can't we.

Moving on, Lots of people becoming single lately. Facebook is evil. and whenever a girl changes relationship status to single. It will be like a hive of activity with people below wanting to know what happened when it has nothing to do with them. Oh well... Such is life. To the guy who is always showing too much emotions. Calm down. No matter what happens, I'll be here for you no matter how they judge you or me. Because we have been through so much together.

Rants rants rants. some things you just can't say to a friend.

Such is life.

I guess not all things in life goes smooth.

When such events in life affects the ones I'm close to, i get strongly affected by it.
The little girl who couldn't let go

The sweet couple that never got together

The small girl who is lost at what to do

The guy who did not want to lose a friend

The girl who is too scared to trust anyone

The girl who is tired of everything

The guy who got rejected

The girl who was afraid of it all

Mind you all of the above are issues which my friends are going through.

And after knowing all of their problems, you can't help but realise you cannot do anything for them except lending them a listening ear and giving them all the support you can muster.

Damn, i need a job.

Well. This is it!

Well I can't sleep. So here is some random pieces of thoughts presented by Cyrus =D

First thing, removed my song... abit irritating already.

So in another 7 hours I'll be taking my last paper for Year 2 of my poly education. Its been so fast its like a blur. I still have the feeling like I'm fresh in this school. I guess its too fast for me. The previous 2 years has been fulfilling. I can't say I've done well for school, but at least I'm content with it.

Its 2am now. There are people mugging for their exam paper tomorrow and other stuff. I'm here writing this post slightly high from sugar rush with Teen Titans theme song playing in the background. I have no idea why Im blogging but I've just got the feel to do so. I haven't really went out for the past week except on Friday where i went to scape with Chloe to chase her Noah Yap. well its been long since we last met up so i guess its Okay. I'm trying to recall what i did in the weekends, nothing comes except studying.

Here's my little friend who made me go to *Scape at 10pm.

Anyway visit her blog : http://vanity-dolls.blogspot.com

So soon my dear freshies will end their year 1 days. Haha they will definitely miss this period of time. from the bottom of my heart i wish them well. ^_^

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM~ in 7 hours LOL

Im stuck.

This is probably the place where I can truly say out all that is bothering me.

I'm stuck in a rut, just stuck. This wave of negative feelings, I can't really pinpoint why. This feeling of being rejected and dejected and things aren't really going your way. That feeling where you wish you are not having this situation and just want to give up on everything. Where all you see are the other people having fun and joy while you feeling left out. I guess it’s something that I'll never get over. How things happened this way and things not being this way. The unjust and lies behind reasons you cannot comprehend. This sense of guilt and jealousy is killing. I can just sit there and smile because of all that is happening and realizing that the next moment this all has nothing to do with me. I guess this used to mean too much for me. It all just fades into my mind at where my imagination is. I can only imagine for it will never become true for me. I should move on. I couldn't.

People around me, it’s hard to decide who is trustworthy, who isn't. People change too and they drift away too, along with your securities, your faith, your trust and your humanity. I’m losing it. I put too much believe into everyone. I have no one but myself to blame. All seems lost. Yes, I am lost. I am lost in the seas of my imaginations; I am lost in the sands of time. I do not know what I am going to do, where I am going or how I am supposed to look forward to everything. I cannot afford to trust people anymore; it has always been a disappointment to me. I know who to trust, I just do not dare at all. I feel broken. All that self-esteem, washed down the drain, lost forever.

My mom asked me today,
“Why do you not have a girlfriend yet?”
My answer was a simple I don't know.
I’m not good looking, I’m not fit. I do not have the personality that attracts the ladies. I’m just… Good hearted? I don’t know. I’m not a bad person, I myself know that. I had no intention for anyone to be hurt. I feel that in this world, looks over every other thing. You can be a jerk and still have a girlfriend who loves you enough to give up all the time for you as long as you look good. I guess it all comes down to instincts. It’s evolutions’ fault that I am not getting a girl. Oh well, Suck thumb die! My studies are neither here nor there. Not failing papers, not getting ‘A’s and ‘B’s. No drive for learning things. My passion for student union is fading also. I’ve lost my calling in life. I feel like I have lost everything.

It sucks to care for the ones whom I care about. I’ll always be their last resort. Last. Resort.

I guess the reason why I posted this here was because I wanted someone to know. But I don't know who to tell it to.

Keep yourself together Cyrus... You will need it...

Dinner with my awesome sub-comm members. Damn full hahahas. Its been long since i last saw them all together.

This feeling is irritating, you are not supposed to feel anything but you are still feeling it. you want to know how the person is doing and you hand itchy to go see see... don't like what you see and you become sian the whole day... oh well... time to come out of this pit Cyrus, don't be stuck in there forever, there is nothing down there according to the person, trust those words and never look back down.

I'll still care about others... but maybe not as much. hehheh, only those who are important to me.

Ciaos

Close call

Never knew this would happen in poly but yes... it happened, epic diao zui, First time in such a situation. Shall not go into the details. Things i have learnt today is that:

1. All things can all be talked out.

2. Freshie and GL interaction can be compared to taking out a dick and showing to the sister.

3. Unreasonable words can appear reasonable to some.

4. Sister spelt backwords is you don't fuck around with my sister.

5. My family is always there for me, even if i don't really talk to some of them. (some of them i never even see before)

6. I shouldn't care about other people because care is the reason why i got into trouble in the first place.

7. Not proud of what happened, but at least nobody got hurt.

I'm still the guy who always forgive and forgets. As long as i have a place to vent them out once. I'm not going to blame the guy in question but i do fear for his future. Where did the respect go? Today did not have to happen if he changed his tone. I mean if you are asking a favour, don't start it with a fucker. seriously.

I guess im born in an age too late. My values, my way of caring, my kind of people, they don't really exist. I'm born in a wrong age. Things were easier back then. No handphones, no internet. not really a care was given to people outside of your friend circle.

To end it off... All i can say is. Too much of a fuck is given to people, nobody in this age cares as much and i should just not care about people. Easier said than done.

P.S. i have never felt more touched in my life before. Thanks Keane, Thanks mannan, Thanks Jen, Thanks Alex, Thank everyone who was there. I really love you guys alot alot.

Hi, I'm back

Its been decades since i last posted stuff here... Ok maybe not decades, but still its a long time.

Much has happened in the past few months i've been missing from the blogsphere. And when i said MUCH it really meant OMGWTFBBQ-DAMN-ALOT-MUCH.

Yeap, FOC is over. That means YES i've finally gone through the whole freshie to GL experience. never the less it has made me grow so much from that basement dweller before i started Poly. Year 2 now. Studies, still not picking up, guess im the slack off too much kind of guy! hehheh.

The freshies from FOC, DAMN ADORABLE, not kidding! hahahas. reminds me of apollomighty, a bunch of lost kids XD. Spent many evenings with them, some are tall, some are short, some are pretty, some are adorable. Its nice to see that they are still meeting up even tho its been 4 months since they met and still going strong.

And in these few months, things happened, got into a relationship for a few days and it ended. so nothing much to say about it, what should have been said has already been said, i can only say it did not end badly so no worries.

Challengers ended too, had my first close encounter with the 3rd kind. Not a funny experience but still, it was scary shit and i learnt stuff from that too. got the nickname Kung-Fu Panda, haha i like it, has a nice ring to it

So what made me come back to this freaking dusty piece of html coding? The thing is many things happen, disappointments; conflicts; depressing news. A part of me is telling me to just throw everything away, leave it and go back to my once perfect world, everything was controllable, anime, games and more anime. I didn't have to spoil my brain thinking over so much stuff. The thing that is really keeping me going is the want to keep the legacy going for SU. I have this intense need to keep things going, no matter how bad the situation becomes. Things are getting lonely. But i'll push on for the freshies, to have someone to look up to, to be inspired by. Not going to back down on SU, SU was my life, SU still is my life and it will still be! SO! i came back to this html coding to tell you all of this emotions that is kept inside of me.

And that shall be all...