Truth is, moving on is hard for me. It's because I never had the chance to get an answer.
Because no matter who I set my eyes onto, no one can compare with her maturity, her elegance, her outright directness. But so what if she is the perfect one in my eyes if she doesn't see me the same way? Because I know that I don't stand a chance. Because I know I'll never be considered in her eyes. All I can do is keep and eye out for her while I look out for someone else to move on to. I tried many times but in the end I have always came back to her.
I hope this doesn't last forever. We are so close now that if something were to happen between us it would already have happened. Buckle UP because you'll never find someone that can compare to her. Unless she finally see the care and attention you give to her this will be a stalemate forever.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
This thing we call clubbing
Never thought that I would write a post about this topic. But here am I sitting in front of my laptop after my 2 hour sleep feeling the loneliness and emptiness of the so-called Post Club Syndrome.
Sure last night was not the first time I've actually went to a club but it was the first time got people dance with me! Yeah lah I'm the bui bui kind so rarely got people to dance with me de lah okay. So it was just a simple dance, no monkey business or anything, just a dance. After that we said our goodbyes and then moved on with life and went home. Reach home, Sleep.
2 hours later woke up feeling this emptiness inside my heart. That feeling is REALLY described as an emptiness in the heart. Its' not a nice feeling I have to admit. Therefore, in an attempt to make myself feel better I began to think back on what happened and why am I feeling this way.
It was my revelation moment for many things I have been pondering about.
This feeling is accompanied with a strong urge to find a girl to dance with or in a more crude term, grind. It's not something we have control of because its a psychological reflex that we have no autonomy over. I realised that this feeling is similar to missing someone but in this case you don't miss someone, you miss the feeling of physical contact with people. It's a kind of intimacy without love. You long for the feeling of having someone in your arms and dancing in a intimate manner together. It's not a healthy kind of intimacy because the hole inside you will never be filled. Its like filling a hole in the ground with water only to have the water seep through and leaving behind an empty hole again. The need to fill this hole is why people get addicted to clubbing. People say clubbing is fun but in reality its not fun, it's to fulfil the need for physical intimacy. Where else can you get physical intimacy without the need to even know the other person's name? A place where light is flickering, crowded and fueled by alcohol.
To fill this hole that gets bigger and bigger with each encounter, people go for more and more intimate actions just to fulfil that Psychological need. Things like kissing, tonguing and even intercourse with strangers is normally not acceptable to the people but to fulfil that need they do it anyway.
Lyrics of clubbing songs like:
"We don't want this night to end"
"Give me everything tonight"
"We could do this all night"
All start to make more sense.
It's not a place for maintaining healthy relationship psychology.
But HEY! If my close friends ask me to go why not?
Sure last night was not the first time I've actually went to a club but it was the first time got people dance with me! Yeah lah I'm the bui bui kind so rarely got people to dance with me de lah okay. So it was just a simple dance, no monkey business or anything, just a dance. After that we said our goodbyes and then moved on with life and went home. Reach home, Sleep.
2 hours later woke up feeling this emptiness inside my heart. That feeling is REALLY described as an emptiness in the heart. Its' not a nice feeling I have to admit. Therefore, in an attempt to make myself feel better I began to think back on what happened and why am I feeling this way.
It was my revelation moment for many things I have been pondering about.
This feeling is accompanied with a strong urge to find a girl to dance with or in a more crude term, grind. It's not something we have control of because its a psychological reflex that we have no autonomy over. I realised that this feeling is similar to missing someone but in this case you don't miss someone, you miss the feeling of physical contact with people. It's a kind of intimacy without love. You long for the feeling of having someone in your arms and dancing in a intimate manner together. It's not a healthy kind of intimacy because the hole inside you will never be filled. Its like filling a hole in the ground with water only to have the water seep through and leaving behind an empty hole again. The need to fill this hole is why people get addicted to clubbing. People say clubbing is fun but in reality its not fun, it's to fulfil the need for physical intimacy. Where else can you get physical intimacy without the need to even know the other person's name? A place where light is flickering, crowded and fueled by alcohol.
To fill this hole that gets bigger and bigger with each encounter, people go for more and more intimate actions just to fulfil that Psychological need. Things like kissing, tonguing and even intercourse with strangers is normally not acceptable to the people but to fulfil that need they do it anyway.
Lyrics of clubbing songs like:
"We don't want this night to end"
"Give me everything tonight"
"We could do this all night"
All start to make more sense.
It's not a place for maintaining healthy relationship psychology.
But HEY! If my close friends ask me to go why not?
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Here we go again
Hi im back again! somehow I feel that this blog has became my dumping ground for my rants and pieces of my minds thats filled with agony and anguish. On the bright side. I've always had a place to rant when i have no one to turn to and this is the place.
So guys, here are my issues that has been bugging me since yesterday. I guess all my friendships will start to fade as time goes by, no one to turn to. I feel that another so called "friendship crash" is imminent because this feeling is all too similar.
You know that feeling when you first know someone and passions and interests sort of click? and as time passes you 2 get close and talk about everything under the sun. There comes a time where you sort of run out of things to say and then the msgs get shorter and shorter and you realise that the end is nigh. I'm kinda going through it now.
Beyond that, there are friends who gone onto a different road in life and you feel like you're slowly slipping away from their memories. Most of the time you ask them out and they tell you they are busy and yet post pictures of having fun somewhere else.
These things happen and you can't do much about it. Friendship needs effort from both sides and sometimes they move on to someone more fun or simply more stories to share than you and you can only look in despair or move on.
Sigh. these things wouldn't have bothered me before i became this mix up version of an extroverted introvert. Either way 10 days to enlistment, i can see it as a form of escape from all this friends stuff. The helmet would keep my thoughts in for that I'm sure.
So guys, here are my issues that has been bugging me since yesterday. I guess all my friendships will start to fade as time goes by, no one to turn to. I feel that another so called "friendship crash" is imminent because this feeling is all too similar.
You know that feeling when you first know someone and passions and interests sort of click? and as time passes you 2 get close and talk about everything under the sun. There comes a time where you sort of run out of things to say and then the msgs get shorter and shorter and you realise that the end is nigh. I'm kinda going through it now.
Beyond that, there are friends who gone onto a different road in life and you feel like you're slowly slipping away from their memories. Most of the time you ask them out and they tell you they are busy and yet post pictures of having fun somewhere else.
These things happen and you can't do much about it. Friendship needs effort from both sides and sometimes they move on to someone more fun or simply more stories to share than you and you can only look in despair or move on.
Sigh. these things wouldn't have bothered me before i became this mix up version of an extroverted introvert. Either way 10 days to enlistment, i can see it as a form of escape from all this friends stuff. The helmet would keep my thoughts in for that I'm sure.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Let me tell you about a story about a ship with a curse. It was a clipper, not that well made but still good enough to be ocean going. It had a curse since its launch in the 1990s. It was launched under the Aquarius moon with a huge gash to its keel. The Keel was an important part of the ship which the ship together. The shipwrights never saw the gash and after inspections realised that the ship could sail but could never withstand any shock caused by dropping the anchor or going near the currents that could bring it to faraway lands.
All its life it has been sailing near the shores and faithfully carrying the hopes and dreams of others. It had always wondered how it would feel to sail in the open seas with the horizon stretching to all sides. It could only see other ships coming in from the open seas. He could only wonder how it felt.
The people on the land started a war and soon this little clipper was brought to war. He was reinforced and brought far away to battle! to arms! he was strong he was powerful and he could now bear the storms. Soon the storms proved too much for the little clipper.
He could do nothing but say:
I was cursed to drift in this endless sea. Never to anchor on any shore. Bound by the waves and never let go. Because every time I anchored down the waves would batter my ship relentlessly with the force of a thousand gales. And I do not like this curse. But I'll live with it. As a ship is meant to sail and drift. My destiny is to be alone and free. For calmer seas is a smoother ride and rough seas put up a fight. All hail this mighty curse for no one is to make this clear.
All its life it has been sailing near the shores and faithfully carrying the hopes and dreams of others. It had always wondered how it would feel to sail in the open seas with the horizon stretching to all sides. It could only see other ships coming in from the open seas. He could only wonder how it felt.
The people on the land started a war and soon this little clipper was brought to war. He was reinforced and brought far away to battle! to arms! he was strong he was powerful and he could now bear the storms. Soon the storms proved too much for the little clipper.
He could do nothing but say:
I was cursed to drift in this endless sea. Never to anchor on any shore. Bound by the waves and never let go. Because every time I anchored down the waves would batter my ship relentlessly with the force of a thousand gales. And I do not like this curse. But I'll live with it. As a ship is meant to sail and drift. My destiny is to be alone and free. For calmer seas is a smoother ride and rough seas put up a fight. All hail this mighty curse for no one is to make this clear.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
End of chapter II
Its the end of my last FOC, through these years, I finally understood the meaning of having friends, for me, having friends isn't about who is there for you all the time but who was there at the moment. Things change and always stays in constant changing. Your close friends now might be strangers the next year. For me, a painfully boring person, its even harder to keep close friends close because the get bored of me so bloody easily sometime it hurts but I guess we have no choice but to take it straight on. It's not easy being a boring guy. Being within a group of people for years already I've come to realise that doing the right things almost never get you far. To fit in you are supposed to give in to others if you are not dominant but you give in to nothing if you command the respect of others. Its aboutsstriking a balance. Its not how I am as a person is.
Im an introvert. An introvert who learnt how to handle situations which reqires me to be outgoing. Its extremely tiring for me to put up a fake front to show that I can handle people, I mean I can handle people but I just dont like doing it. Normally I just like to do my own thibgs and not get involved with people. To me, friends are essentially liars who tell you there will be there for you forever and disregard you when another person takes your place. Why? Because im a bloody boring person. I failed as a GL, im not as cool as my freshies, they went on with everything else and they started to feel out of reach. I failed as an Exco who didnt really get close to the people I am working with. Yet I am eager to share my experiences and my stories to others. What the fuck is wrong with me? All I know is that I can do wonderful stuff but no one cares if you aren't outspoken.
People are scary to me. They seem to build joy over people's demise, essentially selfish enpugh to disregard other's pride. If they are having fun, they dont care if they are destroying other's efforts that they did not see. 3 months of effort I've placed in and they use smack it about like they made the bloody thing. My finale crew and I has worked day and night, weeks following weeks of preparation making these props and all they do is destroy these props. Cant say im not affected by theur actions but it really drained all my faith in humanity. I dont blame them because humanity is a concept is somehow created by beasts who knows how to think, desperately trying to act differently than the beasts that they are.
I guess I won't be coming back anytime soon. I've seen enough of the inconsiderations of people having fun and disregarding the other's needs around them both physkxakly and mentally. It hss been fun while it lasted, goodbye.
Im an introvert. An introvert who learnt how to handle situations which reqires me to be outgoing. Its extremely tiring for me to put up a fake front to show that I can handle people, I mean I can handle people but I just dont like doing it. Normally I just like to do my own thibgs and not get involved with people. To me, friends are essentially liars who tell you there will be there for you forever and disregard you when another person takes your place. Why? Because im a bloody boring person. I failed as a GL, im not as cool as my freshies, they went on with everything else and they started to feel out of reach. I failed as an Exco who didnt really get close to the people I am working with. Yet I am eager to share my experiences and my stories to others. What the fuck is wrong with me? All I know is that I can do wonderful stuff but no one cares if you aren't outspoken.
People are scary to me. They seem to build joy over people's demise, essentially selfish enpugh to disregard other's pride. If they are having fun, they dont care if they are destroying other's efforts that they did not see. 3 months of effort I've placed in and they use smack it about like they made the bloody thing. My finale crew and I has worked day and night, weeks following weeks of preparation making these props and all they do is destroy these props. Cant say im not affected by theur actions but it really drained all my faith in humanity. I dont blame them because humanity is a concept is somehow created by beasts who knows how to think, desperately trying to act differently than the beasts that they are.
I guess I won't be coming back anytime soon. I've seen enough of the inconsiderations of people having fun and disregarding the other's needs around them both physkxakly and mentally. It hss been fun while it lasted, goodbye.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sup guys, it 2 weeks until the end of all the studies i will do in polytechnic. this 3 years has went by far too fast. here i am sitting in the office going through the past few FOC finales, i really wished i could experience them again. sure there were ups and downs but i really missed the times i spent in these camps, in this little family. maybe its not so little but im glad i was part of it.
2 more weeks! Graduate lohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Monday, November 26, 2012
So i heard on the radio today that 102 or 112 Bus drivers of Chinese migrant backgrounds went on strike because of having their lower wages compared to their Malaysian counterparts. Well, first post on current affairs! :X
*disclaimer*Please do take note that what i am going to write is purely my opinion and not representing group or anyone. If you are going to be offended by someone's voicing their opinion then please move to North Korea.
First things first, as a student in Singapore that used to possesses the People's Republic of China's citizenship who is now more Singaporean than some Singaporeans, I've seen both sides of the "I hate china man" story.
I'm sure we all hate to get an employer who ups your pay but increases your work hours so you get less of them delicious OT pay! I'm sure we don't like so sleep in a dorm with bed bugs. Such bravery to actually start a strike in a foreign country and your company has shitty reputation of using cable tie as a way to hold up the 3rd rail in an underground train system. I'm sure there are ways, other than actually causing trouble for your employer, you can solve this isn't it?
In recent salary adjustments for our SLs, SMRT gave salary increment to all SLs who joined the company before July 2012. These 102 PRC SLs were not happy with their increment. We regret that they chose to express their unhappiness about their salaries in this manner, especially when our lines of communication with them are always open.
- quoted from Todayonline
http://www.todayonline.com/Singapore/EDC121126-0000119/SMRT-respond-to-bus-drivers-dispute
Singapore has this principle of Meritocracy, which I personally has seen many failures of it. If you are not senior enough you don't get a higher pay? It's not that hard to comprehend isn't it.
To tell the honest truth, the reputation of PRC citizens in Singapore is quite bad with stomp and other social media blasting the ugly side of them. With this news brings more shame to the people with 5000 years of proud history. Bus strikes are what we learn in History books lol.
Working as a public servant in a Multilingual Country such as Singapore, you need to have a certain set of language skills. It's not just once that I've come across this scenario:
Malay Auntie gets onto bus asking for directions.
Chinese driver confused and tries to listen.
Malay Auntie asks again.
Chinese driver looking for help from commuters.
30 passengers late for work/school/meeting/date/appointment
I mean its clear to see why your pay is lower than that of Malaysian bus drivers who is more skilled in the aspects of communication which helps in this case to get the bus from point A to point B in the shortest time possible.
Learn conversational English, improve yourself, improve everything about yourself, I'm sure you will get more pay than just what you are getting now.
*disclaimer*Please do take note that what i am going to write is purely my opinion and not representing group or anyone. If you are going to be offended by someone's voicing their opinion then please move to North Korea.
First things first, as a student in Singapore that used to possesses the People's Republic of China's citizenship who is now more Singaporean than some Singaporeans, I've seen both sides of the "I hate china man" story.
I'm sure we all hate to get an employer who ups your pay but increases your work hours so you get less of them delicious OT pay! I'm sure we don't like so sleep in a dorm with bed bugs. Such bravery to actually start a strike in a foreign country and your company has shitty reputation of using cable tie as a way to hold up the 3rd rail in an underground train system. I'm sure there are ways, other than actually causing trouble for your employer, you can solve this isn't it?
In recent salary adjustments for our SLs, SMRT gave salary increment to all SLs who joined the company before July 2012. These 102 PRC SLs were not happy with their increment. We regret that they chose to express their unhappiness about their salaries in this manner, especially when our lines of communication with them are always open.
- quoted from Todayonline
http://www.todayonline.com/Singapore/EDC121126-0000119/SMRT-respond-to-bus-drivers-dispute
Singapore has this principle of Meritocracy, which I personally has seen many failures of it. If you are not senior enough you don't get a higher pay? It's not that hard to comprehend isn't it.
To tell the honest truth, the reputation of PRC citizens in Singapore is quite bad with stomp and other social media blasting the ugly side of them. With this news brings more shame to the people with 5000 years of proud history. Bus strikes are what we learn in History books lol.
Working as a public servant in a Multilingual Country such as Singapore, you need to have a certain set of language skills. It's not just once that I've come across this scenario:
Malay Auntie gets onto bus asking for directions.
Chinese driver confused and tries to listen.
Malay Auntie asks again.
Chinese driver looking for help from commuters.
30 passengers late for work/school/meeting/date/appointment
I mean its clear to see why your pay is lower than that of Malaysian bus drivers who is more skilled in the aspects of communication which helps in this case to get the bus from point A to point B in the shortest time possible.
Learn conversational English, improve yourself, improve everything about yourself, I'm sure you will get more pay than just what you are getting now.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
This is hectic man
Sup readers! well I haven't updated in awhile! I went to read my posts below and I realise I forgot who I was writing about 2 to 3 posts below LOL. Cannot sia haha.
Well its already 10 weeks into intern. That is like about half of intern-ship which passed by in what feels extremely short to me. I have this bad habit of pushing everything to the last minute to do. Its taking a toll on my health already. Being close to sickness in the pass 10 weeks was kinda scary for me as we can't just not go to Intern-ship eh. But overall intern-ship was kinda fun. except that one annoying Malay guy who seems to think he is funny but I guess that is bearable.
Please just stop doing last minute work arh CYRUS! you could have gotten much more sleep but you keep watching youtube god dammit! Damn you youtube! But its so awesome and filled with good videos, videos that keep you thinking deep, thinking of things beyond what this education system will ever teach you. its given me knowledge far beyond of what i study in school. youtube is YOUR FRIEND! Oh and google too, he answers all questions.
Being in Exco gives me a lot of stress, the need to make my event a success, the need to make sure I do my shit on time and the need to make my proposal bulletproof. Its all getting to me. I'm still hanging on and I think I can get this done. I'm sure I can! If not I would have wasted my member's efforts. Why look at the possibility of failure before you even try? Well, keep it together Cyrus you can muthafarking do it!
I only blog when I feel like it these days. Would whoever read my blog leave a comment below so i would know people read this thing lol Haha.
Cya the next time i blog guys. =D
Well its already 10 weeks into intern. That is like about half of intern-ship which passed by in what feels extremely short to me. I have this bad habit of pushing everything to the last minute to do. Its taking a toll on my health already. Being close to sickness in the pass 10 weeks was kinda scary for me as we can't just not go to Intern-ship eh. But overall intern-ship was kinda fun. except that one annoying Malay guy who seems to think he is funny but I guess that is bearable.
Please just stop doing last minute work arh CYRUS! you could have gotten much more sleep but you keep watching youtube god dammit! Damn you youtube! But its so awesome and filled with good videos, videos that keep you thinking deep, thinking of things beyond what this education system will ever teach you. its given me knowledge far beyond of what i study in school. youtube is YOUR FRIEND! Oh and google too, he answers all questions.
Being in Exco gives me a lot of stress, the need to make my event a success, the need to make sure I do my shit on time and the need to make my proposal bulletproof. Its all getting to me. I'm still hanging on and I think I can get this done. I'm sure I can! If not I would have wasted my member's efforts. Why look at the possibility of failure before you even try? Well, keep it together Cyrus you can muthafarking do it!
I only blog when I feel like it these days. Would whoever read my blog leave a comment below so i would know people read this thing lol Haha.
Cya the next time i blog guys. =D
Monday, September 24, 2012
confessions of a tired heart
I guess I've finally given up. I admit I was never good enough for your standards. I've to admit I never told you because I did not dare to. I am weak and could never hold a candle to the people you admire. So, I have decided, to not hold on any more for I will never reach the threshold you have set and I shall not try any more. Too tired and too afraid to get hurt again. Too many hurdles, Too many hazards and Too much pain. I shall move on, like how I always does. I'm sorry if I treat you less well after this.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
letter to 10 year old self
hey guys,
so its going to be 1 am now and im blogging from my phone because my laptop died. can't charge because charging port is broken. so im not going to care about my capital letters because i cannot be bothered to push the shift button on my phone.
so i saw this thing going around on facebook about writing a letter to your 10 year old self, i found it interesting, so here is mine.
dear cyrus,
you are know as davis now but you won't like the name once u reach sec sch, so you changed your name to cyrus because u can. at the age of 10, you should already be notorious in sch as the kid who doesn't do homework. No matter, keep ignoring them! if fact you will spend all this time improving your english by watching documentaries by Sir David Attenborough. your teacher will look down on you as an irresponsible student, she is going to not give u a position in the class hydroponics project, but don't worry, she is the only fucked up teacher you will encounter. you will be spending a lot of time in the corridoors of JPS because you never did your homework, no worries when you become a loner in primary sch, the solitude makes you stronger than others emotionally, next year you will find a girl you like, she won't want your company, you are too young. PSLE was disappointing, but you would be happy to know Huayi will be a place where you get to know how awesome you will be. You will learn that leadership is not about being the best but knowing how to serve. Servant leadership, big words for a 10 year old.
In Hua Yi, you will find a girl whom will occupy your mind for the whole of 4 years and you will end this friendship with a heartbreak, get over it, cry if you have to, don't have to tell the world because people don't like it. You will still not do homework but its not important any more isn't it. DnT will be your forte and you will be able to grasp mechanical concepts with ease.
You will get into a poly of your choice and you will feel awesome about it. Soon you realise you don't have to be alone any more. You will find awesome friends and will shine like never before. You will reach the top through your tenacity but there are many disappointments with those whom you look up to. Don't listen to those whom you look up to, they are not worth your time. you will get into your first relationship which lasts for 3 days and you will only get to see her for 1 day out of that 3. You will cry but you'll get over it. I trust u would because you always get over it don't you. Remember, if you feel that something will work out, it will work out. don't worry you got this.
regards,
The 19 year old you.
so its going to be 1 am now and im blogging from my phone because my laptop died. can't charge because charging port is broken. so im not going to care about my capital letters because i cannot be bothered to push the shift button on my phone.
so i saw this thing going around on facebook about writing a letter to your 10 year old self, i found it interesting, so here is mine.
dear cyrus,
you are know as davis now but you won't like the name once u reach sec sch, so you changed your name to cyrus because u can. at the age of 10, you should already be notorious in sch as the kid who doesn't do homework. No matter, keep ignoring them! if fact you will spend all this time improving your english by watching documentaries by Sir David Attenborough. your teacher will look down on you as an irresponsible student, she is going to not give u a position in the class hydroponics project, but don't worry, she is the only fucked up teacher you will encounter. you will be spending a lot of time in the corridoors of JPS because you never did your homework, no worries when you become a loner in primary sch, the solitude makes you stronger than others emotionally, next year you will find a girl you like, she won't want your company, you are too young. PSLE was disappointing, but you would be happy to know Huayi will be a place where you get to know how awesome you will be. You will learn that leadership is not about being the best but knowing how to serve. Servant leadership, big words for a 10 year old.
In Hua Yi, you will find a girl whom will occupy your mind for the whole of 4 years and you will end this friendship with a heartbreak, get over it, cry if you have to, don't have to tell the world because people don't like it. You will still not do homework but its not important any more isn't it. DnT will be your forte and you will be able to grasp mechanical concepts with ease.
You will get into a poly of your choice and you will feel awesome about it. Soon you realise you don't have to be alone any more. You will find awesome friends and will shine like never before. You will reach the top through your tenacity but there are many disappointments with those whom you look up to. Don't listen to those whom you look up to, they are not worth your time. you will get into your first relationship which lasts for 3 days and you will only get to see her for 1 day out of that 3. You will cry but you'll get over it. I trust u would because you always get over it don't you. Remember, if you feel that something will work out, it will work out. don't worry you got this.
regards,
The 19 year old you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)